The story of an SAS (Special Air Service) soldier who lost his comrades is one filled with deep sorrow, profound guilt, and a reflection on the harsh realities of military life. Over a decade of service, this soldier attended eighteen funerals for his fellow soldiers, each representing a life cut short, and a brotherhood irreparably altered.

For any soldier, the loss of comrades is a painful experience, but for this particular SAS soldier, the pain was compounded by personal connections with many of those who had fallen.

Three of those who died were not just comrades but close friends with whom he had passed the rigorous selection process and shared countless memories, both in training and in moments of camaraderie outside of duty. The grief was immediate and intense, but like many in the military, he was forced to suppress his emotions, attend the funerals, and then return to work, as the relentless nature of military operations allowed little time for mourning.

One loss, however, stood out above the others and had a profound effect on him.

Fergus Rennie, the first SAS soldier killed in Bosnia, was not just a comrade but someone he had personally guided through the selection process. As an instructor, he had seen Fergus's potential and had made decisions that ultimately allowed him to join the SAS. The news of Fergus's death hit him hard, much like losing a child—a powerful comparison that underscores the depth of his emotional attachment.

The guilt that followed was immense. He questioned his decisions, wondering if he had been too lenient during Fergus's selection, and whether a harsher approach might have prevented Fergus from ever joining the SAS—and consequently, from being in the position where he lost his life.

This guilt lingered for years, gnawing at him and leading him to question his role in the regiment. The weight of responsibility for a comrade's death, even indirectly, is a heavy burden, and it was one that eventually contributed to his decision to leave the SAS.

Yet, as the years went by, he came to a difficult but necessary realization: these soldiers, including Fergus, were pursuing their dreams. They had chosen this path with full awareness of the risks involved. His role was merely to facilitate their entry into the regiment, not to dictate their fate.

While this understanding offered some solace, it did not erase the pain or the memories of those lost.

In the end, the story of this SAS soldier is a poignant reminder of the human cost of war and the personal battles that soldiers continue to fight long after they leave the battlefield. The loss of comrades, particularly those who were close friends, leaves scars that time cannot easily heal. It is a testament to the bonds formed in the crucible of military life, and the enduring impact of those who are lost too soon.